nomansland_broadcasting | Early in the morning

[ He wants Nai here... but he also really does want to be held, yeah. So okay, this Vash will do. Snuffling, Vash shuffles forward and just leans into the other him, not hugging him, just... leaning.

Only when he's got his face hidden in other Vash's shoulder does he dare say what he's thinking. ]

What if he doesn't want to come back? [ His chest hurts, and his stomach hurts. Everything hurts. ] What if... what if he finds his real brother, and doesn't need me anymore?

[ Vash wraps him all up in his arms, cupping the back of his head with his right hand, and rubbing slow circles into his back with the left. ]

It's so easy to think the worst thing when something goes wrong, or even something unexpected happens. But I think even with the whole from different worlds thing, he loves you, specifically, too. And I also think he would tell you, if that is the case. Or even bring him here. Would that be all right with you?

Don't get me wrong, it's all right to be unhappy or sad or worried. So long as you remember that it's possible for things to get better again. That the worst thing that you think of won't necessarily be true.

[ It could be worse, the thinks, sadly, but this is only for the silence of his own mind. ]

[ He doesn't want to think about the worst thing that could happen, but it just... kinda... pops into his head? And besides, the worst isn't that Nai found his real brother, the worst would be that Nai decided he hated Vash, or... or he got hurt and disappeared and Vash never saw him again. This isn't the worst! This is just... really bad. Maybe.

Vash still isn't hugging other Vash back, but he can't help relaxing a little into the hug. ]

I'm not supposed to say no, huh? If his Vash is here then that's good, and I've got to be happy about it.

Well, I'm not going to be hurt if you say it.

You're allowed to feel the way you feel. It's all right.

It's what you choose to do that matters, but if something is hurting you, or scaring you, or even when you're not sure what you think, you don't have to pretend those things aren't so.

[ And, before Vash starts to argue. ]

I know that if you say these things, Nai will be hurt, and that is the last thing you want to do to him. That you want to be happy for him. So whatever the situation is, don't give up on it being all unhappy.

Hm... think on it that way. If it was the other way around, and your Knives is here, would you abandon Nai?

[ He was right. He shouldn't have said anything. Vash shakes his head, his wet face smearing into other Vash's shoulder. ]

Nuh-uh. He's my brother.

[ He doesn't have to pretend he's not feeling the way he's feeling, but if he says what he's feeling Nai will be hurt? So doesn't that mean he's going to pretend? Or he just has to want to be happy for Nai, maybe, until it's not pretending anymore?

He can do that. He can be happy for Nai no matter what, if Nai's happy. He can. ]

I'm just worried. [ He tries to regulate his breathing, just slow, calm, deep breaths, like meditating, and uses those deep breaths to take all that sadness and push it away, down into the bottom of his gut. Go away, sad! ] If people know who he is, they might want to hurt him, and I'm not there to keep him safe.

Yes. Yes, he is.

[ There is genuine pride in Vash's reply. Because, yes. It's a lot, and it's difficult, and it's very difficult now when Nai isn't there. But it is still truth. ]

So have a little faith in him, too.

That said, those are real worries. Though if he said he's safe, then it seems you only have one thing to do until you know more. And it's a difficult thing, but it's a little less difficult when you do have faith - waiting.

[ Beat. ]

... that's not to say that we won't be looking, anyway. If he is being dropped in various places, he might not get to stay where he is. But, for now, try to think of when you'll be able to get a hug from him again.

[ They're going to find him. It'll be okay. Vash sniffles again, finally reaching up to hold on to big Vash's shirt, face still buried in his shoulder.

This isn't like when Nai goes to practice out at the cliffs, or when Vash takes a walk along the canyon and they don't see each other for hours and hours. It's the difference between being apart and being separated, and being separated from his brother hurts. It's like somebody's cut his arm off. ]

Is this what it's like for you? Not having him around anymore?

[ For the first time since he knocked, for just a moment, because the breath he takes at the question rattles, shattered and hollow, in his chest.

But when the words come, the smile is still there, gentle and steady, if a little sad. ]

Something like this.

[ Not... anymore. Now, now that he knows his brother will only accept him at his side if he is somebody else, it hurts far more. It is though his heart has shriveled in his chest and every beat is agony.

But it has people to beat on for, who still bring brightness and warmth and sweetness even with the agony. So he carries on, giving the strength he has. To all who need it. ]

But he'll not leave you for good, nor you him.

[ No, he knows Nai won't leave him, not really. If that's actually Nai's brother out there, then there'll just be three of them instead of two. He likes having Nai's attention all to himself -- it's what he's used to, after all -- but if there's two Vashes, that's not the worst. It's better than having no brother at all, like this Vash here. ]

I don't know how you could do it. [ That's not an accusation -- if anything, it's the first time he'd sounded sympathetic towards the plight of all the older Vashes. ] I know what he did was bad, but I don't know how you could be by yourself for all this time. I don't like it.

[ Vash's arms tighten, gratefully, against the little body close to him. ]

I hope that you may never have to. In this world, that you will never have to be alone.

[ He was so scared. He was in so much pain. And he ran. And he ran, and he ran, and he ran, Nai's laughter haunting him, people dying around him, sinking in the guilt into the marrow his bones.

He smiles, easing that old, familiar ache into the scar that it has been for so long. ]

And you have Nai and Tessla. That is so good. So, so good.

Yeah.

[ He has Nai and Tessla, yes, a brother and a sister. He's very lucky! But there's still little doubts, little fears at the back of his mind, that this whole adventure is just bringing to the surface. The ships crashed because he didn't see how scared his brother was. He and Knives, they saw Tessla's ghost, but they never went back into the room with her. Or maybe Knives did, but Vash never did. He just left her there.

His hands tighten in Vash's clothes, and he can't hold back the sobs. He hasn't been a good brother at all. And he's trying now! He's trying so hard, to be here for both of them, to help them and love them and be what they need him to be, but what if he messes up again? What if he misses something again? What if he still ends up all alone?

That fear bleeds out mentally -- the fear of being alone, of being totally isolated from everyone he loves, but even worse, the fear that he'll be alone because he wasn't good enough. Because he was selfish, because he was stupid, because he didn't try hard enough. What if he ends up all alone, and it's his fault? ]

[ Vash shifts, only enough to sit back on his heels, not letting go, and settle the younger Vash sitting on his thighs, because he is going to be exhausted anyway, just giving him a little more support.

Emotionally, there is only gentleness, support, taking in all the fear and returning reassurance, steady, certain. ]

You are both very young, Vash. Very, very young. There is much you don't know yet, much that you learn with time, with living, with figuring things out.

Mistakes happen. You try your best. You always try your best. And you can do better, every day. You can.

[ Older Vash settles back and Vash sags into his lap, too worn out from stress to complain that he's not a baby. He is young, he knows that! But that doesn't mean that he can't still be responsible for what he does! And what he doesn't do. ]

How old are you? [ That fear -- of messing up, of being alone -- isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but at least talking with older Vash is helping him push it down enough to be able to stop sobbing. Only babies cry when they make mistakes, and he's not a baby. ] Are you hundreds an' hundreds of years old too, like big brother Knives is?

[ How long until he learns enough to be able to keep Nai and Tessla safe any happy? ]

Edited 2023-08-04 18:47 (UTC)

[ No, but he can forgive himself a little, the way he can forgive Nai when he does something that's not quite perfect. Vash knows so well how much of the anger and frustration he can direct at himself, but the younger him does not deserve even a fraction of that.

He didn't do perfectly today. He can do better tomorrow. Perfection is a goal that is not achievable, but good to strive for so one can do better. ]

Ahaha not quite that old. Only a hundred and fifty.

[ ... but also he is still learning. If faster now than the last ... many decades. ]

[ Forgiving others is easier than forgiving yourself. Of all people, older Vash should understand this. ]

You're really old.

[ Ah, the bluntness of youth! A hundred and fifty is so long to be alone though! No wonder all the Vashes are a little crazy, he thinks, leaning back finally and rubbing his eyes dry with the back of his hand. Being only half of themselves for so long must have made them all go nuts. ]

[ Vash huffs out a small laugh, and when the small one leans back, he doesn't seem hurt by the statement, though the smile is definitely a little sad, the blue eyes looking, indeed, very old. ]

That is also true. I just don't think it's very old for an Independent. If... parallels in appearance can be made.

[ Yes, well.

Vash will not claim to be sane. But he is trying his best to be kind. ]

[ Good, it wasn't meant to be a mean thing to say! He's just really old to a kid who only a few months past his first birthday. ]

How long do we live for?

[ Human lifespans are easy to look up -- there's all kinds of information on how they work, and age, and all that. But he's never seen any information in any of his studies about independents... other than the reports about Tessla, that is. ]

And how long until we're grown, like you?

How long? I don't know. Certainly longer than I've done it.

Mmm... when I was talking of parallels, I look to be maybe... early twenties, in human age? [ Younger than Rem still. Thankfully. ] If a hundred and fifty is about twenty, then probably easily three times that? Four times?

[ Sheepish. ]

I guess that wasn't a very helpful answer.

[ But it was an honest one. ]

[ Hmmm. Math won't ever be his favorite topic, but those numbers don't seem to add up right! ]

But how could it take me only one year to get this big, and then another hundred an' a bunch to get twice as big?

[ When will he be big enough to reach the pedals of the car? This is important information that he needs! ]

Because it slows down, a lot, after not that much. I... wasn't exactly paying too much attention to it, the first few years, other than that there were few new clothes so I felt guilty every time I grew out of mine.

[ ... look. It was a time. ]

[ Okay, he understands that there's guilt from the fall, but some of his older selves really take it too far! ]

You felt guilty for growing? That's silly.

Well, no, not as such.

But the sisters were working as hard as it was safe, asking them to do more just for me was...

[ Gentle shrug. ]

[ Oh. Okay, that makes more sense. With a shrug Vash leans back against other Vash's chest -- no matter how annoyed he gets with his older selves sometimes, they're all still family, and there's nowhere as safe and comfortable as being with their family. ]

I need to get bigger faster than that. I can't keep Nai safe if I'm too little to do anything.

[ Vash gets held close again, and gratefully on the older one's side, also. It feels good, for this brief time, to not be entirely alone. ]

That makes sense, but I'm not sure we can rush these things. Until then, you keep Nai's heart safe, as nobody else can do that, and we the adults will do our best to protect the rest of him. Do you think that can work?

[ That's not good enough, no... but Vash is still young enough that telling adults that they're wrong is hard, at least sometimes. ]

What if you're not here?

[ Vashes tend to wander, that much he's learned already, and it sure seems to be true. What if the adults all wander off? Rem won't leave them, but Rem's only human, and she doesn't even have a gun or anything. If somebody tries to hurt his brother he has to be able to hurt them more, and harder so they stop! Big brother Knives understands that. He doesn't think this Vash does, though. This Vash is too gentle. ]

People are gonna want to hurt him when they find out who he is.

Early in the morning

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